Monday, September 17, 2012

Ohhhhhhhhh

Yes gang this is a rerun you know why because at our house for some reason everyone is fascinated with shit....Yesterday was ShitaGate 2012 and let me tell you it was not pretty. GG decided that is would be fun to try and pick up Fur Monkey's number 2's poop at the park thank God it was solid. Only after she touched and I freaked the F*cK out did she realize what she did like she said  - Ewwww nasty mommy. Yeah nasty is not the word for it. I picked her up and ran to the nearest bathroom and ran her under the water than I ran to my car and disinfected the hell out of her with about 100 bacterial wipes. Head back to the house and FM2 decided that eating the cat shit from the outside neighbors cat would be a sport. I did not realize this until she was back in the house. FM2 is a smiley dog and she was sitting down grinning at me I noticed that all her teeth were black now dumb me thought that GG got into the secret stash of Oreos and fed them to the FM2- it has happened before so I dd not think anything of it until I got real close and the smell about knocked me on my ass. So I spent most of the afternoon exfoliating my dogs teeth and mouth and I cussed out the world. All in all a pretty typical Sunday afternoon at Casa Crazy. Enjoy the below rerun........


Guys this is a warning if you have a weak stomach or cannot deal with anything to do with the above subject then please do not bother reading the following post! This might be TMI but you know what it  has to be told because it is funny and I have no filter.

Last night was a regular night at Casa Crazy. Dinner, following toddler around with fork to make sure toddler eats, dogs barking and licking their butts, honey in a daze and tired from work and I trying to keep it all together. It was around 6 the scheduled bath time for Ms. Sassy Pants. I run the house on a very tight ship I do not do well with a toddler being on a no schedule it makes for an even crazier atmosphere.

I get the bath water going and place 100 pieces of plastic crappy toys in the tub. No sooner than I get LDG into the tub and she is ready to get out? Mmmm...... that is strange she usually loves the tub and the water she would stay in their all day if I allowed her to. Ok,  maybe last night was an off night and she was just not feelin' in and I am totally cool with that. I get her out, wrap her in her towel and hand her over to daddy as I take out the 100 pieces of crappy toys I had just placed in the water a few minutes ago. I hear LDG running up and down the hall way and all I is see a flash of nude butt go by the bathroom...not unusual for hubby and I like to air dry her and my daughter loves being naked...Augh I better not see any Playboy pictorials in her future!

Now I have no problem with my little one being naked, however I have told my hubby that we need to keep an eye on her because we are in the middle of potty training her {what a f*ckin nightmare that is} and she has still not gotten the concept of doing her "thing" in the actual potty.I mean she is getting it but not quite getting it...make sense?  With that being said I go back into our bedroom and I notice something on the floor. From a distance I cannot figure out what it is. AS I get closer I begin to hyperventilate ~ what the hell, OMFG is that no it can't be, did the dogs shit on the floor,  that does not happen in this house, it can't be they would never do that EVER! My head is about to explode and doggie heads are about to roll. As I get closer I see that this little pile of wonderful is not dog shit but my daughters pile of poop. Did you hear that? That was my head that just exploded!
 WTFFFFFFFFFF

Honey....H-O-N-E-Y...Look at this, on floor, I am going to lose it, WTF,OMFG, I DON'T f*ckin believe SHIT {LDG is in other room}.  Hubby looks my way and with a smile goes
"Honey that is one of the dogs squishy toys see?"  He then proceeds * in movie slow motion* to go down and try to pick up the "squishy" toy and I am like....Noooooooo it is LDG's poop. Hubby makes contact with said "item" and before it is too late he touches it and knows that this is not one of the dog toys. He mutters something under his breath and runs into the bathroom to super wash his his hands. In the mean time I am still stuck on neutral in the same spot because I know I am in shock.  Hubby runs after LDG because she has crap all over her butt I get her back into the tub to rinse off the rest of her. LDG is now crying, hubby and I are running around like chickens with our heads cut off and for that split second we are both reminded that we have 2 shit eating dogs hanging out in the bedroom.  Oh f*ck their is a pile of baby poop sitting on the {thank god hardwood} floor. Hubby and I both rush back to the bedroom aaaaand we are too late we see dog number 1  hoovering LDG's poop off the floor...The whole friggin thing GONE...LICKED clean. 

At this point I have become numb to what I just witnessed and my brain has reached TILT level.  Not saying a word I turn around, walk away from the crime scene and lock myself in my bathroom. After about 15 minutes of what the hell just happened  I eventually leave the safety of my clean and poop free domain to return to the bedroom. Hubby had finished cleaning and disinfecting the mess with super duper cleaner and LDG is in her pj's. I look at my dog and shake my head. Dog 1 you have grossed me out for a long time to come {dog number 2 is no were to be found the screaming sent her hiding}. I brush both of my dogs teeth *hard* and wipe them down with their bath dog wipes. Dog number 2 is wondering why she is getting the prison hose treatment since she did nothing wrong. Oh well number 2 that is for all the past cat poop you have eaten. I take a Xanax and go to bed. Needed this night to be over. I now know that when LDG is rushing to get out of bath it means bring her to her potty because it is crap time. Oh Lord what a friggin gross way to learn. I think I am still in shock and I cannot bring myself to look at Dog 2 in the face without thinking - Shit

Ah the joys of motherhood

-

15 comments:

Ronni @ Anywhere Is said...

OH WOW. I am LMAO. I am. I'm sorry. BUT WOW.

At least you didn't have to clean it off the floor!

Mommy Bags said...

Ronni it was horrible just horrible for someone as OCD as I am about the house this was the worst thing EVER

Crystal @EatDrinkClev said...

This is just too crazy and funny as hell! I'm so sorry b/c I'm sure to witness it in person was just plain gross! One for the baby book for sure! ha ha

Annie@Letters to Mo said...

Oh the nastiness. Poop doesn't really bother me that much, but the hubs would explode. We've had a couple of incidents of the cat barfing and the dog eating it before we could get to it. He had to leave the room before he threw up....God I'm not in a hurry for potting training. Give me diapers any day.

Mommy2¢ said...

Bwahahahaha! Nasty! Try picking turds up out of your bath tub... full of water... with the 100 crappy (pun intended) toys... and a toddler sitting in there. Good times!

sandbox gems said...

Sorry about this episode but ROFL!!! This is one for the scrap(memory) books!!! It gets better, just keep repeating this with a glass of wine, you'll be fine!!!

Jo said...

hahahah OMG I am sorry but when I got to the line, "The whole friggin thing GONE...LICKED clean," I freaking BURST out laughing. Hysterically. It was either laugh or suffer a complete mental breakdown. :)

I'll never forget the one and only time our daughter took a duke on the carpet. It was this perfect little pile, and she had carried on as if nothing happened. As if pooping on the carpet was an everyday experience. When my husband and I saw it, we were like, "Nah, couldn't be. Could it?"

Cyn said...

bwahahaha!
someday you will laugh about it & i gotta admit that i nearly hurled & laughed at the same time!

Krista said...

this makes me super excited for toddlerhood.
but ew to your husband for touching it. that is something i would do.

Ms Jen said...

OMG! ROFLMAO and at the same time totally grossed out! I'm so glad that I"m living parenthood vicariously through you. If I had witnessed that I would have driven straight to the GGB and took a swan dive into the dark depths of the SF Bay!

camgold said...

Tell hubby to put his glasses on next time, although he cleaned up plenty of it in the good ole days of puppy raising. lol

Irene said...

LMFAO! Just couldn't stop. It was just hilarious. Buggy has pooped in the tub only so far. Hubby has stepped on poo before too-lol! Your poor doggie, glad mine don't eat poo-anymore. You can give them some pineapple and that should stop them.

Still laughing...Lol!

Not Winning Mom of the Year said...

Bags, that was DISGUSTING! GROSS! That is worse than cutting off my own finger (plug for my finger post).

Susan said...

I can't explain how much I adore reading your posts. As I was gagging, I couldn't stop laughing. I didn't know those two things were possible at the same time. Your poor husband! Good on you for locking yourself away until it was all over. :D
Susan
http://75percenthippie.blogspot.com
http://happyhippieheart.blogspot.com

ana said...

All I can say is O.M.G.!!!!!

Feeling the love......