Thursday, January 29, 2015

Mommy Exhaustion.......

is for real folks and I am here to tell you that it is not funny and not some made up BS SAHM decided to come up with because they have all these effin time on their hands. Nope this goes for the SAHM and the work mommies and this little bit of ME is fo reals. I have been absent from my blog for a bit and I have learned time and time again that when this happens I am not a better person for it. I have been gone not because I was on some special project or vacation but I have been busy raising a child. A child that I adore more than life itself, and child I was blessed with and a child that makes me happy everyday. I have an amazing husband who is the world to me and supports me in everything I have ever wanted to do. A family close by to help me and I have made some amaZing new friends. I love the area where I am no living, my husbands works is crazy great. Life is good. I am more exhausted now then when the little one was a baby.... I am happy but f*cken tired...yo.....WTF is going on????

My body/mind has been kicked in the ass the last week and I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I cannot see straight. I mean Night of the Living Dead exhausted y'all. Like I am getting 7 hours of sleep but waking up exhausted. So much that all I want to do is go right back into bed and go back to sleep. That is not me never has been so of course your worrying machine goes up and with my type A everything needs to be just so personality my anxiety has been at an all time high which has resulted in a couple of pretty good zingers of anxiety attacks which I have not had in forever. With the help of holistic medicine I had pretty much made it dormant.  I have lived with anxiety for over 6 years not I know what it is I know that when anxiety reels its ugly ass self when I do not take care of me.

Now I have lived with this Italian worry shit all my life however with the help of exercise, acupuncture, herbs and essential oils{sound like a hippy right..totally not}I have succeeded in kicking this BS in the ass however in the past few months I have not been taking care of me like I usually have and I believe this has spiraled me going down this path.  The last few months from October to the present I have been on the super go, never stop, I have no help, do everything myself kind of gal, Yes I do have my husbands help I however during the week it is all me until he gets home to help out.
I have been interviewing, touring and filling out applications which are on college level in order to get into kindergarten here in the city where I reside in CA. Spent the last two month planning a 5 year old bday party and just over scheduling my dumb ass self. Volunteering, redoing, organizing, dog taking care of and  appts, doctor appts, trying to start getting myself scheduled for classes and overall a pleather of bday parties, events and the everyday shit that life hands you.......I have been trying to be Super Mom.  Life has not stopped and I have not been able to take a break. I have not had time to chill out and take in life. I have done what many people have been doing lately is over scheduling LIFE. And I am now paying for it.

Of course being worried about my so tired ass stirs up all types of things over worrying brain of mine which triggered my anxiety. WHich one of my friends labeled the Evil Gremlin for she to has gone through the same thing.   When I was speaking to another mom she suggested I look up Mommy Exhaustion/Mother Burn Out on the Internet. I thought this shit has got to be made up and thinking that nothing much was going to come up...To my surprise a shitload came up....When I checked out the 'symptoms" I was like HOLY shit that is exactly what I am feeling like down to the total ass exhaustion and irritability.

Now that I know WTF is wrong with me...I can work on getting myself back to my old self. One thing I am going to have to do is make sure that I am my number one priority - might sound selfish but if I am not OK I cannot be OK for my family. For me to be OK it is called working out. I usually work out 4-5 times a week in the last 3 weeks I have probably worked out twice because of the massive shit I have had going on in my and husbands schedule. It has been insane and that is my fault for over doing me. I cannot feel guilty if I decide that no dammit I will not be able to go to GG's jujitsu for one night or I decide to skip one week of dance class because I am just that exhausted. I have to learn to be ok to leave the house without making the bed one day before I do the 800 other things I do throughout the day. Now I get it I am a SAHM  and I do not have an outside the home work but you know what what I do is a job a 24/7 job without breaks. I have been trying to take classes for the last 5 years for me and a future part time business this year it is going to happen as soon as my little one will be in school full time. Maybe this sounds like a bunch of waaa waaaa waaaa but you know what if I can't waaaa on my damn blog where the F am I going to. As a mom you always have to be "on". We can never admit when we feel defeated and just not into all the political BS that comes with being a mom.

My name is Mommy Bags and I am one effin tired mother......

Feeling the love......