Thursday, February 20, 2014

Stuff I can no longer.....

do or say now that I have a daughter.....

  • I can no longer watch Steel Magnolias - that movie made me cry like a little bitch w/o a child with a daughter it hits a whole new level of snot kingdom and crying drama 

  • I can no longer watch any Real Housewife garbage while she is around  - my daughter now can fully say the word/recognize  - Bitch and will tell the ladies on TV not to say that word because it is a bad one...Also the many beeps,,,beeps.....beeps....on Mob Wives might be causing my child to develop slight twitch 
  • I can no longer cuss like a sailor in heat and no longer comment about anyone in front of my husband. The little ones now hears and repeats everything....Nothing like the F bomb being dropped in a quite doctors office or little GG going up to someone saying mommy thinks yo a bitch
  • I can no longer suffer in PMS hell in front of her...I believe me cussing out the world and looking/acting like Blair from the Exorcist has freaked out my kid a bit - me explaining that this will ALL make sense in a few years has scared the shit out of her 
This is what mommy looks like every month scary 
  • I can no longer drool over these two beautiful human beings every week{during the True Blood Season} in front of my daughter - because MOOOOMMMMMY that is not daddy......

  • Vulgar hand gestures in the car, yelling at people in cars telling them I will knock the shit out of them - with an added couple of douches tossed into the mix  
  • Shouting out loud and mumbling at random companies ie Cable- PG&E Garbage that I will cut them if they do not get their shit together. 
  • Leaving my true drama/serial books throughout the house - toss in the random US weekly ans Star and we are good to go for some future WTF conversations

  • This is a big one - I need to stop criticizing my self and my body around my daughter..I do not want her to grow up with the insecurities I had and to this day still have with myself. I need to stop body shamming myself around my beautiful child. It is something that I do not even realize I am doing anymore it has become so second nature to me. I am almost there but not quite loving myself completely yet. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014

I have finally realized....

that I am DONE with certain things in my life. It has taken me a few years to get to this point and many self doubting and crying over whata/coulda/shoulda but I am done trying to make it work and figuring it out.

I have my husband, my family and beautiful daughter and friends that I have grown to love as family that have been there for me. I am so grateful......Thank you

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

This is typically a very.......

bad week for me...The week before Valentines Day is no longer about a silly Hallmark holiday and getting super great yearly flowers from my amazing husband. To me this week will forever be the week I saw my mother suffer and pass away from the BIG bitch C.... It will be 5 years but it only seems like yesterday. I sometimes still hear her tell me that wine will make me gain weight and why don't I ever wear a dress instead of my used to be staple of black leather pants and boots. My mother and I had a very big hate and love relationship - as most Italian daughters have with their mothers. I was not the cherished boy and I was not like her. I said black she said white their was never a grey area. During this time my anxiety is through the roof, I stress myself out so much that my neck hurts, I sleep like shit {which I cannot do since I become uber bitch when I don't get my usual 9 hours}and my head is in the clouds  - but I do believe that just pouring my heart to you all it might be a bit of an easier week for

I try not to watch anything with the c word in it and I really try not to watch anything regarding mothers and Bravo crap TV will be getting an extra work out this week - HELLO VanderPump Rules.....Not going to lie I an a bit sad and not my usual get up and go energy gal. I feel like I am in slow motion I know once this week is over I will be back to my normal old self. I am also debating if I want to go back to were she is laid to rest which is something I have not done since her funeral I just don't like to think of her there and would rather think of her energy around me at all times...My mom loved hummingbirds.  Anytime I see a hummingbird I know that - that is my mom. and the really cool part is anytime we have all been together in my brothers dads or my backyard - A hummingbird has made an appearance and we know for sure that this is her checking in on us. We always say when we see one - OH there she is - mom just made a visit!

I do hate that she was taken from us to young - I hate that fact that she had to suffer when their are so many evil people in the world that should. I hate that my beautiful child will never get to know what an amazing person her grandmother was I hate that she is no longer here.I tell me friends don't take for granted the time you could be spending with your mom because one day they will not be here anymore.  I know that we have a beautiful guardian angel above that is watching out for our family and keeping us safe. That makes these days a little easier.

Mom I love you and miss you always......

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Tune in the Stepford

Wife music...What the f*ck has happened to her face. She looks like a cheap hoe Barbie....Why did she ruin her looks the one thing this girl had going for her - because you know they aren't morals......She looks horrible and very very frightening. I feel for little North - God can you imagine what she will have to look up to - mommy was a sex tape hooker that sold her soul to the devil for fame and daddy an egomaniac with a Napoleon complex. STOP with the fillers and botox dear KIm you are beginning to look like real crap. Natural beauty my ass!

Sorry Creepy looking to the right WOW she looks plastic 

Friday, February 7, 2014

Why I still hate to shop at................

Costco...About 2 years oh shit I mean almost 3 years ago I did a post in regards to why I did not get or never have been part of the Costco crazy - click here for original post

My feelings and things have not changed much since I bitched out on that post. Still the same crap and I still want to shoot myself in the head whenever I leave that damn huge grey square box of hell. I have a big pantry now and more room to store food but I just cannot bring myself to shop there. The selection is not the healthiest and really for a family of three the HUGE economy sizes are just too much. We try not to keep processed food in this house and all I see when I step into Costco is economy size of my ass that could possibly happen it I shopped here on a regular basis.

When I do I have to make a trip there I need to make sure it is not with my husband and my child. I get a huge wave of anxiety as soon as I go through those huge double doors and my hubby shoots right for the electronic department...Really do we need a 100 inch TV?   Is the 60 plus we have now not enough????  The other big fear is that the grey ugly box will swallow my daughter never to be heard from again - Kidding aside my biggest fear is turning around and losing my daughter in there - could you imagine losing your toddler in Costco - get ready for major mommy melt down because this BITCH here would lose it...fuck just the thought makes me sick I mean damn where would you start too look....Frozen foods among the 1200 taquito boxes or the aisle with the 120 pack razors and gallon size shaving cream????

When we do get the courage to do go we are usually there as soon as the door opens so we can get in and get out as long as keep everyone from ohhhh and ahhhhh crap in the aisles. No I will not get my jeans here and no GG you cannot have the 1200 jigsaw puzzle the dogs end up eating and throwing up. Here is another thing - Why the fuck do people eat here?  I know the 1.00 price tag is too much to pass up but come one that is just wrong - shit that cheap cannot be good for you it is like anything sugar free fat free and gluten free = chemical shit storm.  I mean I have heard of people making it a family outing day to go to Costco. I don't get it...I just don't get it. Can someone out there make me get it?

Feeling the love......