Family....

I am not disagreeing that YES family is great and the one I have is  wonderful but sometimes family is just one big pain in the ass....If you have been reading my posts lately you know I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last few months {which I have no control of ........hello midlife} as of late something I explained to certain members of my family but it seems that when I talk in this family nothing seems to filter in the old brain. That is OK I am used to it because my whole life that is the way it went in mine.  I feel that I need to vent this out today because if not I will  start crying ...not in a depressed kind of way but in a I am so over this shit kind of way. I have always felt like the 2nd string football quarterback in my family....and their have been certain things that have happened in the last year that has made me feel even worse. I don't want to even talk to my family about it because it always ends up in some screaming match because we are all hot head Italians...and I also do not feel like hearing over and over again that I am just being over emotional and stupid...What was said to me for many years anytime I brought something up. As I have said before my brother was always the favorite growing up and that shit has not changed in our adult years. I learned to accept that because there was no way to change it. Sad but it is not uncommon in an Italian family for the boys to be the favorite and the girls to be tossed to the side. Let me give you a little 411 on the situation - my dad decided to have an addition apartment built in the back of the main house where he will be living while my brother and his family move to the bigger house.

No problem right...Too me a problem because when all of this went down I was not even considered or was even asked  - Hey daughter would you be interested in AB and C. It was just decided one day and was told this is what is going to happen. I  was never brought to the table.   It was done... like I did not even matter. Even if the answer would have been no it would have been nice to been asked....... SO let's just say I am still quite upset about that.  Too me when my dad did this he basically told me that I was not capable enough to take care of him even though I had busted my ass to take care of my mom when she had cancer.

Now this is what happened yesterday that sent me over the edge {there have been other things that have happened in the course of all this but there are too many to list}...I call my father every single friggin day. To check up on him, too see how he is doing and too make sure all is well. EVERY FRIGGIN DAY....I live 45 minutes away and I try to get there once a week to see him which is sometimes hard with GG's school and activities schedule but I try. I asked when everyone one was moving in he told me sometime next week. I then tried to explain to him that I probably won't be coming every week to see him because no matter how much he thinks the house is still his IT IS NO LONGER HIS house it is now my brothers and quite frankly I don't feel comfortable hanging out in my brothers house when he is not there...btw my brothers hates my dogs and I bring them down every time I go there to have them run around the yard.  So on my only one day that I have off not running around and doing shit I am not going to bring my daughter, two dogs and all the shit required to stay there for a day and hang out in a 650 square foot apartment. Well let's just say he lost his shit...started yelling basically told me to stay in Marin and not even bothering moving down there (we have started house hunting to get closer so we could all be together)....Anytime I bring something like this up the first thing he says -  just stay in Marin. Which make me feel like total shit,  like he really does not want us there. I have gotten into arguments with my husband in order to speed up the process to move down near him and my husband and I rarely ever fight.I am doing this move primarily for my daughter to be closer to her cousins. I also think that if I do not move down there my daughter will be left in the dust as a grandchild I see it happening it already......Maybe I should try and make it down there more often but I need a break once in awhile....I have obligations, full activity schedule for my daughter, friends and just keeping up with our life. I am also going through some growing changes and no one ever asks me how the f*ck I am doing.  My husband works long hours and sometimes all we wanna due is chill. Is that so fu*cken hard to accept? I hung up on him because I really did not feel like arguing that day and  am basically done for right now. I have not called him and will NOT be calling him...I am tired of dealing with this shit and I am tired of having just stay in Marin thrown my way anytime I decide not to come down for the day. What is making me upset right now  is that he has not had even attempted to call to check on his granddaughter in the last 2 days. I don't care about me but at least call to see how GG is doing.

Maybe I am just being over emotional so be it but I needed to get this out. Every time something like this happens I begin to doubt if this move is going to be ok in the long run? So confused right now........I think I need to watch me some RuPaul Drag Race....I am so sad tight now.

Thanks for listening.......