Why are so many people...

scared of the dentist? I ask myself this question every-time I have to go. I literally have panic attacks just thinking about my appointment that is coming up. I break out in a sweat, can't sleep, all I think about until I get into the dreaded office is what the hell they are going to find this time and what the hell kind of hell will I be put through.  Every.single.effin.time I go to the dentist they find something. Be a new cavity, a root canal that was not settled properly and or some other shit I can never just go to the dentist get a cleaning and be on my way. I have been terrified of the dentist since I was a kid - maybe it was because one time in when we were Italy {not a place known for stellar oral care} I was slapped in the face by one because I had no idea what the fuck was going and and what he was doing - so yes ma'am I was a bit over the top scared - but for fuck I was a 7 and he put his hands on me. In those "days" I guess that is how shit was done in the old country - if that shit happened to day it would be filmed, placed on YouTube and his ass would be in court. SO from that point forward the seed was planted and too me the dentist was the EVIL one. Every single dentist appt for me was hell - this was the time before Yelp and people placing reviews so you knew what you were getting. It was a toss up who the hell you ended up with. I went in for cavity refills that would take 4 hours because dental centers would stack their appts. and you would end up with one dentist doing about 6 clients back and forth. I had dentist drill into my exposed nerve because they did not give me enough Novocaine. I have had dentist fill my tooth were the root was still not killed and let me tell you you do not know what pain is until you have experienced that. Let's just say most of the dentist I have been to have SUCKED balls. Awful just awful some of these offices look like they have not been touched since the late 50's and it scares me to step into the chair.

All I see is this when I am at the dentist

I also have a mouth for whatever reason that gets cavities very easily even when I brush and kind of floss. I need to get better at the flossing thing and going to the dentist every 6 months but when you have anxiety just thinking about going in it makes it crazier to go.  I had found a great dentist 2 1/2 years ago -  I moved and he retired so now I have to work myself into a frenzy with a new one and need to get that trust level before I feel "safe" again. Being in that chair with those little pointy sharp things coming at me makes me feel out of control and vulnerable.  The thing I am trying to do is suck it up for the sake of my daughter. I do not want her to have the same fear that I experienced. Even when I go to GG's dental appt. I break out in a sweat. But let me tell you if I had the kind of dental office my daughter had I would not have this fear today. I make sure I drill {ha ha} into her that she needs to take care of her oral care so she does not end up with a bunch of crap her mom has had to go through.

So today is going to be a doozy for me - I just want to get in that chair and get it done and over it. Why do I have a feeling this is going to be a long ass day.....

No quick fix....

Why do some members our society want things to happen so quickly?  I get it we live in a 24/7 kind of society only made worse with the damn all mighty smart phones, I pads and social media where news is recycled at lightning speed.  We must have everything NOW...we must HAVE it now...Now Now Now Now NOW. Fuck when as a society did we become so fucken impatient?  

Yep,  I am ranting today{so what else is new} about the quick fix "diet" industry  - between shakes, teas and pills we think we can get instant results and our quick fix and the results if any will magically last forever.  If I see the Marie Osmond diet plan commercial one more time I will scream....AHHHHH I swear it just came on as I was posting this!  In order to trim up and get healthy you need to MOVE YOUR ASS {this does not include what you do for a work} and cut down on your calories. From sweets, to effin crodonuts to pizza with everything on it except what the eff is supposed to be on it and YES unfortunately alcohol.   I do love my wine but I have cut dramatically in the last few years. YES I do have my weekends where I need a break and I go balls out but those days are few and FAR between - but you know what sometimes mommy needs to let loose.  I cut down because of the calories - I cut down for my health. I also went from drinking white/rose to red in order to cut the sugar once again for my health- I am a 45 year old mom to 5 year old and I need to be on my game. I had to overhaul  my total lifestyle in order to make it stick. I lost about 20 pounds in the last few months I have about 15 more to go BUT I promised myself  that this time I would take this journey slow and steady. On this "I am doing it my way plan" I will not deprive myself and I will NOT get on the scale every week   - every other or monthly to keep track. I believe scales are Satan Spawn of Hell and should be destroyed however in order to keep track I must play with the scale not worship the scale. 

NO tea, no shake, no diet pill and no overnight magic diet plan will keep the weight off  for good unless you balls to the walls and put in some HARD work.  Do you think I like getting up and getting tortured twice a week with a trainer who makes my body feel like jello after my time with her. And getting up the other 3 am's  and going to work out whatever cardio I decide to do that day.  Do you think that I like zucchini noodles more then fresh awesome deliriously delicious tagliatelle   - drool . NO I EFFIN DON"T but I do it because I know that is the way to get it done.  The days that I "crack" bake because I have the urge to bake all day I have my husband take all the goodies to work because I do not want them sitting in the house.  Their are days after work outs where I am iced from my neck down to my calves it hurts and it sucks but you know what I am MOVING MY ASS daily if I can. I bought a bike and instead of driving everywhere I am now biking to locations that are near enough for me to bike in - thank goodness I live in a very bike friendly community and I do this with  my daughter in order to give her a base on how to take care of her health. And that moving is GOOD. 

I do it because it makes me stronger, quicker, healthier and keeps my head in a clear happy place. I will never be super skinny again - my body frame does not allow that and I am not willing to starve myself like I did years past in order to fit in a size that society says I must be in.  To this day I still suffer problems with my stomach for the damage I did years ago. I also want to teach my daughter a healthy lifestyle not a dangerous lifestyle. 

 A shake{tea pill whatever}  is not going to make you lose inches magically in two weeks if this was the case we would not have the issues with weight we have in this country. You might lose some weight with whatever magic bean you decide to try but so sad to break it to you most of that time it is water weight and you can believe your ass you will gain in all back and then some in less than two months. WHY do I say this because I know. I have gone through all of them from the cabbage soup diet, pills and eventually not eating and surviving on coffee and many packs of cigarettes during that horrible part of my life. I lost a massive amount of weight in a short amount of time for my body frame.   I was a size that I think I have never been and I looked gaunt and older than my years. I did not realize at that time that I had a minor eating issue.  I developed a massive phobia about food and about every calorie that I put in my mouth.   I was a human calculator of food. I did not workout during this time all I did was not eat much - carrots were my new BFF.   It was hard to break the habit but I did it and I did it on my own. It was hard but I eventually got better. Even though to this day I still feel guilty when I over indulge and I bust my own balls about what an asshole of food I was on a particular weekend. If I could shake people and tell them instead of paying out your butt for 310 Shake take that money and put it towards a trainer or a gym membership.  Do yourself a favor and get off the quick fix roller coaster it helps your body and mind in the long run. 

Peace 

Kindergarten Wars....

Remember the days when your mom brought you to your first kindergarten class you would just show up and they would admit me you?....Yah well those days are over especially in the area of the Bay that I live in.

 I thought PreK was a fight but it was nothing to the war of getting into kindergarten. I started this fight in early September 2015 checking out he local public schools after seeing, researching and investigating decided that the private route was to be the road for my little one. This is OUR preference not for everyone however a good portion of our local public schools are just not cutting it sorry. I don not know how it works in other parts of the country but I know that here in the lovely ass, expensive,  over crowded as hell part of my Bay Area this is our best option. Some of these public schools are so overcrowded 40 kids per class one aid and one teacher how is that possible. I am not even going to go into it because I do not know that much about the public school system but what I have seen personally we did not like.

So off we started looking at private schools and fortunately we found three that we really liked. With the 3 in our pockets I started booking tour dates as early as November 2015 for admissions in 2016. Yep almost a year just to book tours and get into the "system" and to view campus and see what it is all about. Now I am very familiar with the private/catholic school route I myself attended 12 years and besides a few minor things I really enjoyed my time there. I still have friends from grammar school as well as friends I communicate daily and still are friends with from high school. I also like that for 9 years you do not have to worry about looking for another school {because after the kindergarten process you need about a 9 year break}. I am not a fan of the K-5 then middle, then HS. I believe {no I know for a fact} that {some} little girls become evil little monsters during that 5th grade middle school transition - blame the hormones, Between the tours, the interviews and the assessment/interview of our little one it has been one crazy ass ride. I feel like we are interviewing for college. Some of the schools are super competitive and you sometimes get many admissions for very few spots.  It is almost like some kind of sport. Now I do not know what it was like a few years ago in the area but I know now that it has gotten pretty bad...we are overcrowded and our lovely area is in a building frenzy, their are not enough schools to support the boom of the modern day Gold Rush we are experiencing here in the bay Area. That is what happens when the whole damn world wants to live here. Of course we have a few quakes here and there - and we are on a 4 year emergency drought but that is not stopping herds of people moving into this area. 

We have gone through some stress - Tours, interviews for your little one and yourself, assessments to make sure your child is ready emotionally and mentally for the next step and for the school. It has been quite a joy ride without too much of the joy. This kind of stuff can really play hell with your schedule as well as take a toll on you emotionally. We now have completed all that we needed to do and are sitting waiting patiently for the results. It almost feels like your waiting to get picked for the dodge ball team and hopefully you will not be the last person picked. Wish us luck!!!!

****Note as of the end of last week we heard back from all three schools and my little one was accepted to all. It will be time to make that decision. So thrilled and think about it 9 years UNIFORMS no BS what the hell am I going to wear every morning with this already fashion obsesses little one. 

Cleaning Up.....

As you can see their is a new spiffy layout for my blog.  Needed to clean it up and bring into the year 2015...... a little late I might add...Same fun ass post and allot more often since I am making the time to post. My little one is no longer a toddler and my ass is no longer a new mom. I have been recruited into the no she did in moms. Life has gotten a bit more hectic and just keeping up with my little ones activities, school and social schedule has been at sometimes overwhelming. Girl has tons of friends and it is hard to believe that she ins only 5. I have now become the chauffeur and the social calender keeper. Oh well. A few updates on what the hell has been going on around here.

a. My little GG is now a little girl - she has the eye roll down pat and the little one and her friends have broken into my shoe & purse closet many times and have been playing a whole lot of dress up. My sunglasses are not safe and where the f*ck did 5 year olds learn how to take and pose for a selfie.....She is heading to kindergarten and the hell of having to apply to schools has taken 10 years of my usually semi wrinkle free face {that will be a whole post of the terrors of kindergarten applications and what we need to do in our area of the Bay to get our kids in good schools}.

She is involved in many activities and takes jujitsu twice a week so she can learn how to kick a guy in the nuts without any visible marks. She is becoming tough and I love it. This keeps mama happy knowing she will have to shoot a mothereffer down if they touch my daughter. I do not think I would look good in prison orange jumpsuit. I do not believe how quickly time has gone by. Everyday I am amazed on what an amazing little person she has become. Parenting is rough and sometimes you double guess yourself if you are doing a good job or not. But when you see the results your like "OK I got this"   - sometimes you have to pat yourself on the back because not many peeps will do that for you....So to all the moms out there busting their asses daily this pat pat is for you.

b. As you know from some of my posts from a few days ago I am going through some "beginning changes" of life BS....Eff you totally nightmare however getting a bit better for this week. I can't guarantee next but hey that is why I am busting my ass working out and keeping everything zen like sometimes it is hard because you know what it is called LIFE and not everyday can be peachy keen and whip cream all the damn time...If you see that as negative well tough SHIT and move on you can go read the rainbow and unicorn blogs somewhere else....I have lost 20 pounds{and continue to count on more} via most of the time clean eating, trainer, working out/power walking  and my new kick ass cruiser bike. I bike everywhere I can when I can. I am sick of the car and sick of sitting in stupid overcrowded traffic. With the side streets I can go anywhere I want. I look like super dork with my flower helmet...but in this town it is better then brains splattered  on a sidewalk. GG and I take the bikes and we are off. It is liberating to be able to get on a bike and just go. Cruise feel the wind on your face and checking out all the really neat hoods - it makes me happy and that is all I need right now. I use flax seed, chia seeds and yes now some hemp seeds. I take a butt load of vitamins daily and trying to keep this change of life as natural as I can. I have said this once and I will say it again...this is what works for me...I personally do not trust many doctors anymore - It got really bad after what I saw my mom go through while she was fighting her way through cancer. You do not forget shit like that. I am not saying all doctors are the same however for ME right now the natural way of doing things has worked and with the changes I have made to my lifestyle things are looking way up.

c. Husband is doing great, the company is on fire and he is one busy man. We are great together and he still loves me even with all the weird things have been going on with my emotionally charged life. You know you have a good one when he puts up with this shit and is there for you through thick and thin. For better or worse. He loves my craziness and to this day he tells me on most days that I am his own walking reality show. I love him more today than I ever have. 15 years and counting. He is an amazing dad and GG worships him.

d. Family is doing well. My dad is kicking it at 74 and him and his girlfriend have been traveling the globe. I miss my mom always but his girlfriend is a good egg and he needs someone at this age to keep him active and moving around. So far he is having a good time. My brother and his family is great and my daughter is getting to grow up with her cousins really close by. So God Bless and positive vibes on that end

e. I will again be going through some changes in a few months my beautiful daughter will be entering her new phase of life and going to kindergarten...I see her everyday and everyday she changes. She is growing up so quick and I am so fortunate that I get to be home to see her evolve. I made the decision to stay home when we had her - remember I was 40 when I had her she was going to be my only little one and I felt what worked for us as a family was to have one parent at home. We thought long and hard on this and I now know that it was the right choice for us. I am working on trying to figure it all out...but one day at a time to see where this next path in my journey will bring me. Own business, volunteering, who knows....we will see when it happens...all I know is I choose that stress is no longer going to be a part of my life....day to day...one step at a time.....

That is the roll up for now.....I am excited to start writing again and getting my feelings on the screen...I did not realize how much I missed it until I started up again. I get to release.

Cheers peeps.......

Move...

bitches and I use bitches in the most loving of terms as I would girlfriend...this is how we do it in Cali...As you know I have been going through some major hormonal changes can we say American Werewolf in London changes. Now their is no shame in my game and I have been so open about what I am gong through something that I think more women need to do - we are made to feel ashamed of this natural part of life.  I am going through this with a naturopathic doctor below is a description of what they do. Basically I go to a regular OBGYN to get my huu ha and a script for a mammogram. The rest I trust an ND. I have nothing against Western medicine however when it comes to hormones and the shift of a woman we need to learn in this country that what a MD says is not the all that ends all. I have been through 6 GP's and OBGYN in the last few years they all have SUCKED and I mean SUCKED. Most of the time they do not listen to you, they do not even dive into your health history before scripting you whatever they want to script you in order to take care of it based on what has worked with woman A, B, or C. They they wonder WHY the so many people are addicted to meds. They med for anything. I went to the GYNO the other day in order to interview to see if I would like this one. Once again she generalized me and suggested that I should go on Prozac for the PMS/Pre symptoms I was showing 10-12 days before I started my period. - Is this ALL doctors have become - legal drug pushers for the drug companies....Mmmmm sure does sound like it doesn't it.  I refused. I would rather sweat it out the natural way that become addicted to a chemical that would ricochet my body back to hell after the 12 days. Are you fuckin kidding me....I know women who are on this shit that continue to take it in order not to go through the withdrawals which I gather suck donkey balls.

 Naturopathic physicians combine the wisdom of nature with the rigors of modern science. Steeped in traditional healing methods, principles and practices, naturopathic medicine focuses on holistic, proactive prevention and comprehensive diagnosis and treatment. By using protocols that minimize the risk of harm, naturopathic physicians help facilitate the body’s inherent ability to restore and maintain optimal health. It is the naturopathic physician’s role to identify and remove barriers to good health by helping to create a healing internal and external environment.
Naturopathic physicians work in private practices, hospitals, clinics and community health centers. NDs practice throughout the United States and Canada. Qualified naturopathic physicians undergo rigorous training before they become licensed health-care practitioners.

For the last month my schedule was over run with a colds from hell, birthday parties,  schedules changes,  activities, massive tours, interviews and kindergarten assessment. Pushing my schedule way to the back something we moms tend to do. Everyone sanity before moms sanity.  So my work out schedule got deflated the more days that I did not w/o the more days I did not feel like working out it was one viscous ass circle. I made a decision that I come first it might sound selfish however if I am not in prime form my family is not in prime form. So this week I got back on the horse and everything else comes second and this is the way it is going to be from now on.  I feel so much better this week then I did last week the exercise alone has gotten me out of this tired as hell funk.  I feel so much more alive and back to my half way normal self.  I  even bought a bike this weekend and because our weather is amazing here most of the year I can bike ride to grocery stores, farmers markets and anywhere I want to go. The more exercise I get the better I cannot STRESS enough ladies that if you go through torture PMS and the beginning stages of Peri Meno. 

My ND{God Bless than woman}  has put me on some awesome vitamins{which have helped with my energy}and with the clean eating and garbage removal I am doing this will be a stepping stone into a better place. Yes  - this is a longer process with vitamins and herb drops but you know what patience my darlings....it will come...The problem with this country is we want everything to happen quickly now now now - re charging and re wiring your body the natural way takes time but when it does you will be so glad you did it without chemicals.  I am telling you I was the LAST person who would ever be preaching this - I am not a fan of the tree hugger way of doing things but when your backed into a wall {I have been suffering with really bad PMS for over 3 years} you will try anything in order not to be "medicated" and when I did research and continuing research,  read the reviews and heard of the many positive outcomes you bet your effin ass I mad an appt - and it worked, it worked for me and it continues to work for me to this day. 

WHAT I am basically saying is MOVE ladies even if it is for only 20 minutes get your asses out...and NO shopping at Costco for the week is not exercise. Get out if you can and move if you cannot get out because of winter weather and you have cable look up the yoga, stretching and cardio they have On Demand. Moving is what will keep your endorphin's happy and will keep you healthy.

hormones that make you happy

• Serotonin: Serotonin is sometimes called the happiness hormone. Serotonin regulates the mood, prevents depression and makes you feel happy. Serotonin can be released by getting exposed to sunlight, by eating foods rich in carbohydrates and by exercising.
• Endorphins: Endorphins can make you feel good, reduce your anxiety and your sensitivity to pain. Endorphins are released by exercising
• Dopamine: Dopamine helps you to feel mentally alert. The lack of it might cause lack of attention, lack of concentration and bad moods. Dopamine can be released by eating foods that are rich in protein.
• Phenylethamine: Phenylethamine is the hormone that results in the feelings we get in the early stages of a relationship. Cocoa beans contain Phenylethamine. eating chocolate might be helpful too.(see Why do woman love chocolate so much)
• Ghrelin: Gherlin is a hormone that reduces stress and can help you become more relaxed. Ghrelin is released when we become Hungary that's why eating too much is not always a good idea. Just eat according to your body’s needs and never fill your stomach completely in order to maintain good Ghrelin levels

Hugs and Kisses 

Research and get yourself some knowledge.....

on this hell on earth called per meno. I know that this is probably what you do not want to read about but when I started this blog I wanted to make sure that I always remained truthful and told you exactly what the eff what going on. I would never be one of those blog with bells and whistles and post about pintrest boards and lies. To this day I have remained authentic me. And authentic me right now is going through a period of emotions that are beyond my control. I am going to post about what I am going through right now in my life. If you do not want  to read it then move on and stop following me. I am however going to vomit as much information on what is helping me during this period of "change" in my life. If it helps out another woman out there I will feel great...Your are not going insane this ride of emotions and uncomfortable feelings is NORMAL. YEP EFFIN normal. It is funny because when your going through the power surge of emotional vomit you are convinced you are going insane. I say this now ladies who are experiencing just a bit of change on your cycle start reading up on this shit because when it happens it will happen out of left field and if you do not know what is going on your convinced that something terribly wrong is going on with your body.

It is shocking to me how many women have no idea that this shit can hit out of the blue and changes your way of life overnight.  I keep getting asked how old I am and I am like 45 your to young nope I am not this peri stage starts anywhere from 7-10 years before the dry up cycle. I feel like peri is like really bad foreplay and the menopause is the big bang.Not all women will go through the same thing. I always had really bad ass PMS and I have always been very in tune with my body so I noticed that things were beginning to shift about 3 1/2 years ago. My PMS was getting worse and their were days were I was an emotional mess. I could always deal with the physical part of periods but the emotional part just triggered hell on my life. How the fuck are you in the middle of a grocery store and start crying for now apparent reason. This would frustrate me to no end and when I get frustrated it would trigger my anxiety which I have had for the last 6 years and with proper eating habits, sleep, exercise and an amazing acupuncturist  I have learned to tame it however with this new band of emotions the gremlin is resurfacing not everyday but enough that I do not like it visiting my hood again.  I have worked very hard  to tame the beast and it sucks that because of no choice of my own I get to relive the nightmare. I feel that peri is this dark ass secret that no woman wants to talk about and does not want to accept that is happening. Well let me tell ya sista it will.  And my big ass mouth has had not problem sharing the pain and the solutions with me fellow women folk.


The part that is most frustrating is that I can't just crawl into bed when I am tired or feeling overly emotional or bloated as hell - I need to put my game face on I have a 5 year old that needs me and it not fair that she has to go trough this crap with me. I am trying my best to keep my shit together and making this transition as easy as possible. In the mean time hugs and kisses and keep it real.

The shit they did not....

see that caption that reads 30-50 well I have had the joy of starting this
BULLSHIT at 45 

teach you in school.......I have always been really upfront with my blog and honest so today is going to be a doozy of a bitchfest since I have been experiencing "issues" and would love to get it off  my chest. Because I know that life is not fair but this crap is beyond not fair. We all get old and with that comes the set of old problems bones ache, bit foggy and bit more farty blah..blah...blah....bet when your a woman you get an extra dose of special toppings on this pizza we call life.

I knew that this was bound to happen and ANYONE who is a woman who states that they will never and allow themselves to go through this is also full of BULLshit! Because baby no matter what you do, what you eat, how much you damn exercise and how you process your thoughts little bits of hormonal changes are going to affect your life when you are a woman that becomes a certain age that is just scientific fact. I have been reading, researching this crap for 2 years as far as buying the Suzanne Summers book on this subject...yes yes I did because you know what she fought cancer and beat peri/meno, looks amazing and she has done this all organically and holistically.

It should read I am to young for this SHIT

In this country we have a real issues with fixing problems with a band aid and medication without going internally to see what the cause of all this could be. I have decided to ride this effin emotionally and annoying pony the non med way and even though it has worked sometimes their is a month here and there were you get hit with a brick and you can't get back on the damn horse no matter how hard you try. Why is it that they do not explain this shit more when your in HS is it because they do not want to scare the living shit out of you and the changes that will happen to your body when you reach a certain age it is like I am going through fucken puberty again but in reverse and this is just PERImenopause  Now let me tell you

I eat right,
I try and exercise and get out daily,
I fucken do acupuncture on certain months weekly
I take liquid herbs daily you would not believe the list of shit I digest daily - I feel like Samantha Jones from SITC2 sitting at a desk rubbing creams all over my body
I started Mindful Meditation daily to keep the damn stress at bay because the anxiety is coming out of nowhere especially during my monthly
I cut drinking to a minimum I am talking barely
Got rid of caffeine
Keep busy SO CAN SOMEONE tell me why the fuck I feel like punching people in the face daily and feel like I am in a fog of just exhaustion. And please don't say depression because that is not it I get up I am happy I am just fucken frustrated that we need to go through this shit. Is it not enough that we bleed from the time we are 11/13 until mid 40's then we have to deal with this extra baggage!

I have always had a bit of anxiety is is part of the Italiana DNA - their is not one friend of mine who comes from this background that does not seem to be suffering from some kind of worry/anxiety it just seems to have escalated in the past few years. I have noticed that in the last month my sleep patterns have been affected and when those are affected my whole body and mind is off triggering my anxiety. I have no idea how people with insomnia go through daily life my husbands sleeps like 5 hours a night and he runs a company how the fuck does he do that and deal with my headcase of hormones that has been affecting me for the last 3 weeks??????? and damn can we say tired as fuck I am usually the energizer bunny and walking up the stairs is kicking my ass.

And you know what makes this suck the most is that I have this beautiful 5 year old who has to deal with mommy being tired sometimes and mommy being super cranky - a husband who has been my rock during these past few weeks. I am going through this slowly day by day. I know that i will get back on the horse in the mean time it is fun to bitch about it and I have found many other women out there who are going through the same thing so it has helped a bit.

OK can we now talk about the effin hot flashes????? TBC.....

Mommy Exhaustion.......

is for real folks and I am here to tell you that it is not funny and not some made up BS SAHM decided to come up with because they have all these effin time on their hands. Nope this goes for the SAHM and the work mommies and this little bit of ME is fo reals. I have been absent from my blog for a bit and I have learned time and time again that when this happens I am not a better person for it. I have been gone not because I was on some special project or vacation but I have been busy raising a child. A child that I adore more than life itself, and child I was blessed with and a child that makes me happy everyday. I have an amazing husband who is the world to me and supports me in everything I have ever wanted to do. A family close by to help me and I have made some amaZing new friends. I love the area where I am no living, my husbands works is crazy great. Life is good. I am more exhausted now then when the little one was a baby.... I am happy but f*cken tired...yo.....WTF is going on????

My body/mind has been kicked in the ass the last week and I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I cannot see straight. I mean Night of the Living Dead exhausted y'all. Like I am getting 7 hours of sleep but waking up exhausted. So much that all I want to do is go right back into bed and go back to sleep. That is not me never has been so of course your worrying machine goes up and with my type A everything needs to be just so personality my anxiety has been at an all time high which has resulted in a couple of pretty good zingers of anxiety attacks which I have not had in forever. With the help of holistic medicine I had pretty much made it dormant.  I have lived with anxiety for over 6 years not I know what it is I know that when anxiety reels its ugly ass self when I do not take care of me.

Now I have lived with this Italian worry shit all my life however with the help of exercise, acupuncture, herbs and essential oils{sound like a hippy right..totally not}I have succeeded in kicking this BS in the ass however in the past few months I have not been taking care of me like I usually have and I believe this has spiraled me going down this path.  The last few months from October to the present I have been on the super go, never stop, I have no help, do everything myself kind of gal, Yes I do have my husbands help I however during the week it is all me until he gets home to help out.
I have been interviewing, touring and filling out applications which are on college level in order to get into kindergarten here in the city where I reside in CA. Spent the last two month planning a 5 year old bday party and just over scheduling my dumb ass self. Volunteering, redoing, organizing, dog taking care of and  appts, doctor appts, trying to start getting myself scheduled for classes and overall a pleather of bday parties, events and the everyday shit that life hands you.......I have been trying to be Super Mom.  Life has not stopped and I have not been able to take a break. I have not had time to chill out and take in life. I have done what many people have been doing lately is over scheduling LIFE. And I am now paying for it.

Of course being worried about my so tired ass stirs up all types of things over worrying brain of mine which triggered my anxiety. WHich one of my friends labeled the Evil Gremlin for she to has gone through the same thing.   When I was speaking to another mom she suggested I look up Mommy Exhaustion/Mother Burn Out on the Internet. I thought this shit has got to be made up and thinking that nothing much was going to come up...To my surprise a shitload came up....When I checked out the 'symptoms" I was like HOLY shit that is exactly what I am feeling like down to the total ass exhaustion and irritability.

Now that I know WTF is wrong with me...I can work on getting myself back to my old self. One thing I am going to have to do is make sure that I am my number one priority - might sound selfish but if I am not OK I cannot be OK for my family. For me to be OK it is called working out. I usually work out 4-5 times a week in the last 3 weeks I have probably worked out twice because of the massive shit I have had going on in my and husbands schedule. It has been insane and that is my fault for over doing me. I cannot feel guilty if I decide that no dammit I will not be able to go to GG's jujitsu for one night or I decide to skip one week of dance class because I am just that exhausted. I have to learn to be ok to leave the house without making the bed one day before I do the 800 other things I do throughout the day. Now I get it I am a SAHM  and I do not have an outside the home work but you know what what I do is a job a 24/7 job without breaks. I have been trying to take classes for the last 5 years for me and a future part time business this year it is going to happen as soon as my little one will be in school full time. Maybe this sounds like a bunch of waaa waaaa waaaa but you know what if I can't waaaa on my damn blog where the F am I going to. As a mom you always have to be "on". We can never admit when we feel defeated and just not into all the political BS that comes with being a mom.

My name is Mommy Bags and I am one effin tired mother......