Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The favorite child.....

The obvious favorite in this family 
There are days that I think I should have had another little one right after GG being 40 when I had GG it seemed better that we stopped at one.......anyway we are convinced that GG was some sort of miracle that happened one dirty Las Vegas weekend.  In a way I am happy that I am raising an only child because I would never want me little one to go through the favorite child thing. Now I am no saying that all families participate in this "ritual" but being that I come from an super off the boat*and yes I can say this* Italian family it should not shock anyone that my brother was the favorite and I was and will always be the black sheep. Now this was not a huge problem between my dad and I but when it came to my mother my brother could do no wrong and even though I placed my life on hold for almost a year to help my dad take care of her when she was diagnosed with cancer I felt that I would never live up to how she saw my brother through her eyes. It was not my brothers fault he just happened to be born...male........ in an Italian family.

It was apparent to anyone who came around that my brother was king and I was not just being paranoid. Anything I did was never good enough. I always took care of myself when it came to looking for work and getting my resume ready for the field I one day dreamed of working in.  I got a part time job when I was 14 at the local mall to save money for a car and other fun stuff teenagers like to spend their pocket money on. I was never a huge school person I had too much energy to sit for an hour on math*I hate math and still do* and history my mind was of the creative sort I did well in art, design, and literature. I was not a sports person just was not my bag of beans I thrived in my merchandising and production classes.  I tried my very best to win my mothers approval but no matter how hard I tried I never got the pat pat on the back my brother would get on a daily basis. Some parents out there might think that something like this will not affect in years to come but it remains with you forever ...and today it still hurts. I remember when my mom used to tell me not to drink wine because it made you fat she did that because she knew that would sting always one for being paranoid of my weight this one hurt...I even went through a bout with eating issues a few years back because I felt that never was the image of what my mom wanted me to be.  To this day even with the working out, being healthy and going  I drink a glass of wine my moms voice goes through my head. My brother drank in front of her all the time and she never said one word to him. I can go on with the many double standards that used to go on in my home when it came to my brother but we would be here forever. Any other person out there who has gone through this knows exactly what I am talking about.

Maybe that is why during my high school years I decided f*ck it. I would become the black sheep that I was made to feel in my home. Follow the rules...Pfft you could take your rules and suck it. I made it a point to piss off my mom as much as I could. I got myself in allot of trouble, did not listen, the pop music became death metal, all about vampires to the max, the skirts went buh buy and scummy looking long haired dudes were my new passion....it was the 80's after all.  I wore black 24/7*that hasn't changed much* and just did not care anymore because no matter what I did I would never meet the "approval". To an old school Italian mom like mine this was the worst.  I guess this all vomited today because I am feeling overly sensitive about a few things and damn PMS does not help any, but in big part is that I saw this happening in front of me at a play ground the other day. You could totally see that the mother was favoring one of her kids more than the other you could see by her actions and by the way she spoke to them and I felt for the little one..... I really did because I know how it feels. I would have loved to look at that mom and say STOP..... don't....... because what you do/say to a child today could affect them for most of their lives.  I wish I could have told my mom how I felt before she past but things were so crazy during that time it would have been trivial ...I hope she knows that I was there for her when she needed my help and caring for her during such a painful time was an honor.

I just want her to know that her baby girl was not that tough and sometimes she just wanted to hear that you loved and were proud of  her......sniff....

7 comments:

Colleen Rizzuto said...

I heard you loud an clear! Can sympathize even empathize with you. I had thought to write this morning on my own long and forgotten but always in the back of my brain restraints my mother has left on me. This is a good start. Also very cleansing and as we all know we visit these well embedded feelings over and over through our lives it nice that you have shared it with us if not to shove it a side until we find ourselves in the blues again. Chin up!!! You are heard by many and we all come together for one reason or another. I even read mommy blogs and I am childless. Hmmmm is it to late to think of having a lil one at 40. Ahhhh maybe i will just live through mommy blogs. I think jenn would make a excellent mother. Cheers!!

Mommy Does Everything said...

My Brother is Jesus to my mother ! same thing Off the boat italian faily !! he could literally kill someone in front of her and she would blame my sister and I !!LOL Thats the way it goes I guess thank god we have our dads too !

Andrea said...

Gads! This has me panicked that my kids think i play favorites. Xoxoxox and hugs to you!

Cyn Knight said...

i feel your pain... growing up my brother could do no wrong and had more leeway than i did and he was younger! and you're right, that always sticks with you.

i will NEVER do that to my kids!

xxoo!

Sarah @ It's a Vol said...

Oh honey I am so srry you're having to deal with this all again, no mattter why it all got dragged back up. Sending you big huge hugs.

Kerry said...

Omg, I really feel for you right now with this! Such a great post and thanks for sharing. I too am the black sheep, my brother was my mother's favourite, my older sister was the apple of my father's eye. Now today I have no-one. It does stay with you forever, but through it all, I learned how I wanted to treat my own children and for that I am thankful. I will giive them so much more of me than I ever got. It hurts, but what can you do?

Susan said...

Okay, you totally made me cry. Just had to say giant *hugs* to you! The favorite child thing sucks and I totally get it. What made me cry was you saying it was an honor to care for your mom before she passed. I had the same honor so I understand!

Feeling the love......